Actresses! Are You A Wonder Woman Or A Lois Lane?

Two of the hottest roles available for actresses right now are based on DC Comics characters – But how do you know if you’re Lois Lane or Wonder Woman? Worry no more, starlets: We’re here to make your decision for you: Just take this easy to answer questionnaire!

1. Are you under 30?

If yes: Go to 2
If no: Go to 18

2. Are you brunette?

If yes: Go to 4
If no: Go to 3

3. Are you willing to dye your hair or wear a wig for the role?

If yes: Go to 4
If no: Go to 18

4. Are you attractive?

If yes: Go to 5
If no: Go to 18

5. Do you read comics?

If yes, I love Iron Man and Spider-Man: Go to 6
If yes, Superman and Batman are my favorites and I really love what Geoff Johns has done for the Green Lantern mythos: Go to 8
If no: Go to 7

6. We hear that Joss Whedon is hiring for the Avengers over at Marvel and wish you the best of luck.

#End

7. What the hell, if you got this far, you’re hot.

Go to 8

8. Could you convince audience members that you are a strong, independent woman?

If yes: Go to 10
If no: Go to 9

9. Do you have a starring role in a popular television show or have appeared in a medium-level-or-higher successful movie, thereby gaining a level of audience recognition that would supplant the need to appear strong?

(Hereby termed “The Blake Lively clause”)

If yes: Go to 10
If no: Go to 18

10. Would you call yourself a strong woman?

If yes: Go to 11
If no: Go to 18

11. Would you classify your strength as (a) Potentially threatening to alpha-males, and thereby running the risk of being called a “bitch,” or (b) Regal, restrained and potentially attractive to alpha-males?

If (a): Go to 12
If (b): Go to 14

12. Can you successfully convince audience members that your strength was all a facade, put up to protect yourself from the world until a suitable man comes along to do that for you?

If yes: Go to 13
If no: Go to 18

13. Can you look convincing while pretending to type?

If yes: Go to 16
If no: Go to 18

14. Can you successfully convince audience members that your strength is in no way undercut by wearing a revealing outfit patterned around the patriotic colors and iconography of a country other than the one of your origin?

If yes: Go to 15
If no: Go to 18

15. Can you say “Themyscira”?

If yes: Go to 17
If no: Go to 18

16. Congratulations! You could play Superman’s girlfriend, Lois Lane! Now call your agent and tell him/her the good news!

#End

17. Congratulations! You could play Wonder Woman! Now call your agent and tell him/her the good news!

#End

18. We’re sorry, but Time Warner/DC Entertainment does not have a role in either Wonder Woman or the untitled Superman project available for you at this time. Please resubmit your request when casting opens for Raven at the CW.

#End

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Comments

  • http://rauschma.de/ Axel Rauschmayer

    This would be fun as a diagram with boxes and arrows. For example: http://xkcd.com/627/

  • Washout

    This would be fun if it didn’t support old people getting work.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    I don’t know what’s more awesome, that it’s 100% true, or that they treated it like a program outline (they used the same symbols that you would use when outlining a program with a flowchart) because they’re geeks.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    You guys should have turned this into an actual program. It would have been more engaging.

  • http://twitter.com/Dawnell_do Dawnell_do

    This sound be fun.

  • mars

    Wonder Woman. I guess none of us are good enough for Supergirl ;)

  • demoncat_4

    lol. no doubt this thing is what Warner’s will be using to determine who will not only be Lois but also when it comes time for NBC to cast wonder woman in the pilot. of david kelly sure to be interesting take.

  • filmfan2000

    I guess by tomorrow the big story will be about the Captain America trailer after debuting during the Super Bowl tonight, then again may be we will get a better Thor trailer also. I thought we might get the First Class trailer but I don’t think that is on the schedule.

    If we can believe the leaks, I agree Kelly’s take is an extremely interesting and innovative one. Can’t wait to see it. Yet like Green Lantern before it, I’m so disappointed by Fanboy reaction to Wonder Woman news that I fear Fanboys will only be happy with 2-dimensional interpretations of Marvel heroes. I hope this doesn’t make it sound like I am disappointed with Thor’s trailers; he’s a different kind of hero and maybe easier to depict in summary introductions. His trailer was incredible. Still I’m hoping the directors and studios will press on anyway both of these properties have huge audiences to win and Fanboys are essential but only part of that audience.

  • HerrBubbles

    They should just get Lois out of Smallville to play her in the new film too, she’s one of the only competent actors in it lately.

  • Jay Gerding

    Yeah, I’d like to see the flow chart for this.

  • Guest

    Graeme, was this supposed to be funny?

  • Tim Hammack

    Too true. You forget to add an extra clause for # 9: “are you a famous pop singer?”

    Lady Gaga as Wonder Woman…

  • Matthew Lane

    no offense, but this seemed a little pandering. There are more then two females in all of comicdom, you know?

  • smith

    Well can I say I only care who they cast as WW? But that David Kelly script oh boy. As for Lois…meh. She’s always been formulaic and boring and would be the easiest to cast. Just go out on the street and you’ll find her.

  • Doug

    Dear Jennifer Connelly,
    I’m writing this in hope that you are interested in playing Wonder Woman. I, and I an unanimous in this, believe you are the one true actress suited for the part. I do hope you are interested and would hate to see the part of (arguably) the most famous and celebrated super heroine of our time go to some fake 18 year old from some CW and/or Family Channel reject show. Those “actresses” can’t act their way out of paper bag. Thank you for your time.

    Your fan
    -Doug