The Worst Movie Never Made

Like everyone else, every now and again, I think of a movie or a television adaptation that just seems so perfect that I can’t imagine that it’s never actually happened (Jack Kirby’s Mister Miracle as a Saturday morning TV animated show!), and internally convince myself that I am some undiscovered genius of the medium. And then, like last night, I accidentally imagine what would be the worst comic movie possible.

I know what you’re thinking: “In a world where Elektra and Catwoman exist, can anything imaginary even compare with those two horrors?” If I were thinking of a comic book movie, I might agree – Actually, no I wouldn’t; just imagine Zack Snyder directing an adaptation of Grant Morrison’s The Filth for a second and you can guess at the depths yet to be plumbed – but the horror that popped into my head from out of nowhere is actually based on a comic strip. And not just any comic strip: The most famous comic strip of them all. Just imagine the following:

Peanuts: The Movie. Script by Dave Eggers, based on characters created by Charles Schultz. Directed by Michel Gondry, with a CGI Snoopy voice-acted by Bill Murray.

There are just so, so many things wrong with this idea – Not least of which is the idea of a live-action Peanuts movie in the first place – but what terrifies me is that it’s not impossible. After all, we’ve seen live action Garfield and Marmaduke with CGI animals – complete with Bill Murray voiceover on the former, in fact, and we’ve also seen the unadaptable being adapted and expanded when Dave Eggers and Spike Jonze took Where The Wild Things Are and made it into the ideal movie for hipsters looking to feel nostalgic about their unhappy childhoods. Tintin is being made into a mo-cap movie that seems to replace the essential sparseness and space that made Herge’s art so distinctive in the first place, and it was only the failure of Mars Needs Moms that made Disney think twice about allowing Yellow Submarine to be remade.

It’d be nice to think that no-one would ever try to make the Peanuts movie that horrifies my imagination at this very moment, but the fact that there’s a “new” Peanuts animated special doing the rounds, adapting existing Schultz strips just makes me feel as if it’s only a matter of time before the strip becomes the focus of some well-intentioned “prestige” attempt to bring it to the screen that goes terribly, terribly wrong. Maybe we can get up a petition to stop this from happening before it’s too late.

News From Our Partners

Comments

  • Dragos

    Hey! I liked Elektra…

  • Bill Reed

    That would work better with Wes Anderson directing it.

  • Anonymous

    I’m so sorry.

  • Kevin

    DON’T EVEN JOKE about Snyder directing The Filth. Someone will read that and make it happen and it will be your fault.

  • Caramind93

    Hum….a CGI Peanuts….frankly they were so much more worst movie made

  • Wcburns

    And you just know that some Hollywood executive will read this article and go “hmm…”

    Ladies and Gentlemen, Pandora and her magic box.

  • http://twitter.com/tomdaylight tom

    I’m sure a brilliant film could be made out of it. But it would have to be brilliant, otherwise it would fall completely flat. “Decent” isn’t enough for Peanuts.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    Even though I don’t agree, I had to like this be cause it made me lol.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    The rest of that quote is “I wonder if Bill Murray will ever answer his fucking phone.”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    Soooo you’re no longer complaining about real things, but now the depths and depravity of your own imagination? Why would Bill Murray voice Snoopy, who doesn’t even talk?

  • Hugo Sleestak

    Hmmm … comic-strip movies that should never be made … Well, how about “Nancy & Sluggo,” motion captured with live midgets (excuse me, little people) and voiced by Roseanne Barr and Perez Hilton. Megan Fox plays Aunt Fritzi. Directed by whoever did “Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs” and written by Aaron Sorkin.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    What was wrong with Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs? I thought it was a fun little movie. Howabout “Directed by M. Knight Shyamalan”?

  • Anonymous

    I like your site but I’m.. not sure what this article is actually about.

  • demoncat_4

    sadly sooner or later some exec will decide and grab the rights and bring the peanuts movie to reality. and worse they will cast the latest reality tv flavor of the month to be the peanuts along with Snookie as Lucy. then follwed by Calvin and hobbes with justin bieber voicing a cgi Calvin

  • zabba

    Don’t forget Fat Abert. There’s another part of my childhood destroyed by Hollywood.

  • mamura

    Negative Nelly, all you do is whine and moan.

    :(

  • http://twitter.com/HoroscopeRaper Elias Algorithm

    I just pictured CGI Calvin opposite a real tiger and I want this to be a thing now.

  • GC

    The cartoonist’s name is spelled Schulz.

  • Rockstar Messiah

    A Peanuts movie written by a good writter with a wonderful director? That’s not so bad.

    When you mention Bill Murray, you’re clearly stretching for effect. Snoopy wouldn’t need a voice actor.

    I’m sure we can all think of plausible, horrible comic adaptations that could be made, but this actually isn’t one.

  • http://www.toonzone.net/news/ Edward Liu

    Did you actually watch the new Peanuts animated special? I got a screener copy of it and walked in expecting a mediocre train wreck but was very pleasantly surprised by the results. It’s a great deal better than a whole lot of the Schulz/Melendez/Mendelson specials.

    There has also already been live-action Peanuts in the musical “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown,” where Snoopy talks. So that’s not heresy either.

    I’ll admit that there are many, many, many ways to screw up “Peanuts,” but it seems that the Schulz estate is VERY protective of its property and what makes it work (vs, say, the estate of Dr. Seuss).

  • Dpcoltx

    On a column this weekend I had the thought, this is Glenn beck without the chalkboard. You’ve found your chalkboard sir.

  • Grant

    So you’re complaining about a movie that only exists in your head. This is a sad commentary on web criticism.

  • Jon

    If we’re going to do this then let’s take it all the way down.

    Roland Emmerich directs Calvin and Hobbs

    Lars Von Trier directs Beetle Bailey

    John Waters directs The Family Circus

    Steven Spielberg directs Fox Trot

    Quentin Taratino directs and writes Rugrats

    and, of course, Joel Schumaker takes over Batman again after Christopher Nolan’s trilogy.

  • Anonymous

    I will never be able to get Lars Von Trier’s Beetle Bailey out of my head now…a screed against US militarism where Otto and Sarge are lovers and Beetle systematically rapes Ms Buxley in his frustration at not being able to pillage the third world.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    They’ve clamped down hard on Dr. Seuss adaptations after The Cat in the Hat, allowing only for animated adaptations (which have so far been very good).

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    When they said Jesse McCartney (the 90′s beeb) was voicing Robin, I damn near cried. But he’s done a fantastic job. I actually associate his voice with Dick now over the TT voice (unless I’m thinking of an older Robin with a deeper voice, McCartney’s is like 13). Just because someone sucks hard in one area doesn’t mean they can’t flourish in another.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QKN5MHOI6VUFOYCTV5REK7M7A4 Jacob

    A Tarantino directed Rugrats sounds fucking epic. Hollywood, of all your bad ideas, make this one fucking happen! I mean, half the show was already an acid trip, he could have a lot of fun with it.

  • Anonymous

    So that is where I had seen the Live Action Peanuts thing! I knew I’d heard it done somewhere already. Thanks Liu.

    And the worst adaptation yet made IMHO was the Yogi Bear movie. Seriously, who came up with THAT idea?

  • that guy

    No!! Noooooooooooooooooo!!
    Shut up, no!!!!!!!