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It’s one thing for the airwaves to be filled with Royal Wedding shows – Seriously, you have no idea how many times the “timeless love story” between William and Kate has been told in the last few weeks, in the run-up to tomorrow’s big day – but another thing altogether for all of the shows to be so unimaginative. They’re all documentaries! Where are the made-up stories based around this happiest of events? If Law & Order can rush out “ripped from the headlines” stories based on recent events, can it really be that hard to think of stories based around something we’ve known was coming for months? Of course not! Here are five missed opportunities television- and filmmakers have passed up.
24: The Royal Wedding Special
The Pitch: With all of the world’s heads of state and political dignitaries all in one place at the same time, the question wasn’t if a terrorist cell was going to try and attack… but when. When America’s Counter Terrorist Unit intercepts information about one such attack the day before the wedding, the race is on to save the bride, groom… and the Western World as we know it.
The Stunt Casting: Colin Firth as the British spy boss who thinks that Jack Bauer can’t get the job done, but comes around at the very last second.
Untitled Romantic Comedy
The Pitch: Kristen Bell plays an American wedding planner who’s unlucky in love and vacationing in London around the time of the Royal Wedding. Through some completely ridiculous and entirely unlikely circumstance that can be worked out later, she ends up planning William and Kate’s big day, which leads her to meet Kate’s best friend, who of course happens to be the man of her dreams. When she has to choose between following her heart and making the day go off without a hitch, can she make the fairy tale come true for herself? (Note: One or both characters will have to announce their love at the wedding itself, in front of the billions of people watching worldwide.)
The Stunt Casting: What, Kristen Bell isn’t enough? Oh, alright: Dame Judi Dench and Dame Helen Mirren can play bickering old British women who display unfunny awareness of American slang.
The Doctor Who Royal Wedding Episode I Really Can’t Believe They Didn’t Do, I Mean, Come On
The Pitch: The TARDIS lands in London on the day of the Royal Wedding and, because Stephen Moffat is in charge these days, accidentally discovers a creature threatening the royal family that has to be seen to be stopped (See: The Weeping Angels, The Silence). It turns out that, surprisingly, good vibes weaken the creature, and so the Doctor and his companion du jour decide to confront it at the very moment William and Kate kiss on the balcony for the public post-wedding. With “hilarious” consequences, and a chase or two.
The Stunt Casting: Every old British actor imaginable to play members of the Royal staff, and Kate Middleton to be played by some random British pop starlet that no-one in America has ever heard of.
Untitled Emotional Drama
The Pitch: In the far future, an aged William lies on his deathbed, telling an unseen visitor about his courtship of his wife Kate. Through flashbacks and unreliable narration, we follow their romance from their first meeting through to the royal wedding itself, with a heavy focus on some kind of soft focus idea of “destiny” bringing the two together, underplayed with the same kind of brittle class comedy that made The King’s Speech so much fun. Extra points if both William and Kate can be given socially-awkward-yet-blindingly-witty friends to offer exposition and quickly speed past unbelievable moments in the story. As you might expect, the unseen visitor is revealed – at the end of the movie, following the death of William – to be an equally aged Kate.
The Stunt Casting: Michael Gambon to play the old William, and Meryl Streep to play Queen Elizabeth II.
The Michael Bay Version Of Events
The Pitch: Love can be explosive at the best of times, but never moreso than when Transformers director Michael Bay takes control. Thrill at the CGI-created cathedral created by top technological wizards! Gasp at the excitement as Bay replaces the sedate carriage ride to the cathedral with a high-speed car chase between the world’s fastest car chase and a jet plane! Faint as the 3D camera work lets the archbishop stand right in front of your eyes as he kicks some ninja ass before telling William that he may kiss the bride! You may have been to a wedding before… but never a wedding as exciting as this!
The Stunt Casting: In a public show of making up, Megan Fox is brought on to play Kate Middleton, while Shia LeBouf continues his run as Bay’s muse with his sensitive portrayal of William. In a jaw-dropping casting coup, Leonardo DiCaprio agrees to play William’s father, Prince Charles.