SPIDER-MANDATE: The Lowe-down on "Secret Wars," Tie-Ins and Stacey Lee
What’s that, you say? People actually tuned in to the new version of Charlie’s Angels last week, and they might even tune in again tonight? You’d think that the remakes of Knight Rider and Bionic Woman might have killed the appetite for revisiting television’s greatest hits, but apparently not. In that case, here are five pitches for revivals that we’re willing to sell to the highest bidder to test nostalgia’s limits.
Happy Days Revisited
The Pitch: Revisit the hilarious Cunningham family, twenty years after their own heyday as fun-loving teenagers in this new sitcom set during an idealized punk era of the late 1970s! How will Richie deal with his son’s new mohawk hairstyle? Can Joannie and Chachi’s love survive their teenage daughter’s rebellion? And is the Fonz really still the coolest man in Milwaukee, after convincing locals that he inspired the Ramones?
Who’d Buy It? CBS.
Who’d Star In It? The original cast reprising their roles, with various Disney moppets and/or former Jonas Brothers playing their children.
The Pitch: In the near future, crime-fighting has an upgrade as cybernetic criminals face off against the new California Highway Patrol cops… complete with floating bikes and virtual reality headsets that allow them to solve cybercrime at the blink of an eye! Science Fiction’s cheapest minds reinvent the criminal procedural in this new series about the law enforcement of tomorrow, headed up by Commissioner Rancis Poncherello, America’s first cyborg police chief!
Who’d Buy It? The CW.
Who’d Star In It? Erik Estrada as the robotic Ponch, obviously, but let’s bring in wrestler and Haven guest-star Edge as the lead cop in the series. He’s charismatic and muscley enough.
The New Fall Guy
The Pitch: The movie industry idolized Colt Seavers, the Fall Guy of the original series and America’s favorite stunt man throughout the early 1980s… until a tragic accident ended his career and almost ended his life. Now, thirty years later, his son – Colt. Jr., of course – sets out to follow in his father’s footsteps – until he finds out that his father’s accident wasn’t an accident. Conspiracy covers conspiracy in this new show that mixes the thrills and spills of the original series with the labyrinthine plotting of The X-Files.
Who’d Buy It? Fox
Who’d Star In It? Good question. If we could de-age Mark Valley a decade or so, he’d be perfect for it. I’m saying that Megan Fox could totally be the modern Heather Locklear, however.
The Pitch: Even with Hurley in charge, the Island hungers for new inhabitants, and as a team from the new DHARMA Initiative – funded by Penny and Desmond, of course – sets out to investigate just what happened at the end of the last season of the original series (because, really, come on), it looks like it might get its wish. But who is the new Smoke Monster? What purpose does the adult Walt have on the mission? And if John Locke really is dead, then why is he wandering around, telling anyone who’ll listen that they have to leave the island immediately?
Who’d Buy It? ABC, obviously.
Who’d Star In It? Your pick of the casts of FlashForward, V, Persons Unknown and Happy Town.
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Pitch: What if the original idea of the poor family that strikes oil and moves to California was tweaked slightly, and the series renamed The Washington Hillbillies after Jethro Clampett becomes the President of the United States? Fish-out-of-water comedy and political satire collide as the political establishment gets a taste of “real America,” with both sides learning a little bit more about how to get along… and how to make the country a better place, in this groundbreaking sitcom.
Who’d Buy It? NBC, as the next unlikely lead-in to The Office. Could it really be worse than Outsourced?
Who’d Star In It? Will Farrell, reprising his favorite “lovable idiot” persona on a weekly basis. Amy Sedaris and Paul Rudd would, of course, play supporting characters.