O Say Can You See: The Greatest Patriotic Super Heroes of All-Time
With Marvel’s The Avengers breaking all manner of box office records internationally, it’s somehow surprising to learn that it’s only on track to be the seventh widest opening in US Box Office history. What are the six movies that had better weekends… and, more importantly, how would their leads stack up against Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in a fight? That’s right: never mind Avengers Vs. X-Men, this is Avengers Vs. Movies.
According to Box Office Mojo, Avengers is estimated to rank seventh in the line of the biggest US openings for a movie ever – Although it’s worth pointing out that it’s the highest ranking non-sequel ever, depending on whether or not you consider Avengers a sequel to Thor, Captain America and Iron Man or not. But how would they fare if facing off with the Avengers in a combat situation? Let’s look at the evidence…
#6: Shrek Forever After (2010)
I know that Shrek is a massive green ogre and all, but the Avengers – as Tony Stark and the movie’s many trailers like to remind us – has a Hulk, so that’s pretty evenly matched. They also have an ass, but theirs has a suit of armor that’s one of the most technologically advanced and diverse weapons on the planet in addition to a fine line of snarky asides. So this one definitely goes to the Avengers.
#5: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007)
This match-up isn’t even close. Sure, Johnny Depp’s Cap’n Jack Sparrow has experience with the supernatural, but the idea that the amassed unwashed sea dogs of the Disney franchise could stand up to just one of the Avengers – even Hawkeye who, let’s face it, kinda seems like the weakest of the bunch – is pretty much laughable. Advantage: The Nick Fury Hometeam.
#4: The Dark Knight (2008)
Now we’re getting somewhere: The comics have shown us that Batman can take down the Justice League single-handedly, so surely that means that he could handle the less-powerful (No offense, but surely Superman + Wonder Woman means that all but Thor are outclassed in a team-to-team mash-up?) Avengers… Except, this is the less-prepared movie Batman, who was almost outclassed by the Joker and Two-Face, which changes the math a little bit. If the Avengers had the element of surprise, it’s possible that the Hulk could smash gravelly-voiced Bruce Wayne in seconds, before he had the chance to jump into his latest Batmobile. Somewhat sadly, I think the Avengers are taking this one, too.
#3: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011)
Here’s an interesting conflict. Given the kinds of magic tricks that Harry and friends pull in this final Potter, especially considering that they’re essentially at war, I suspect that this one would probably go against the Avengers unless Odin himself ended up getting involved and somehow removing the schoolkids’ ability to do magic. And, given Odin’s movie appearance so far, does he really seem like the kind of guy who’d get himself in the middle of the Avengers’ affairs to do something like that?
#2: Iron Man 2 (2010)
It’s the classic Mighty Marvel set-up: Hero against hero! Tony Stark is mighty smart, but could he really turn on his Mighty Avengers-in-arms? Actually, probably, let’s be honest: He’s not the most honorable man when it comes down to it. The question might be, could he beat his Avengers-in-arms, and depending on how much time he’s had to prepare, the answer just might be yes… Tony Stark FTW, perhaps?
#1: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
It’s the fight we’ve all been waiting for: Sparkly vampires and shirtless werewolves versus superheroes! Given the the sparkly vampires (a) can go out in the sun and (b) have all kinds of additional superpowers, it’d be hard to see this one going the Avengers’ way easily… Or, at least, until the Black Widow starts making emo noises and making the Cullens and friends feel conflicted enough over whether to kill her or fall in love with her, leading to an inter-family fight that distracts them long enough for the Avengers to make some last-minute rally using teamwork, magic, technology and violence that ultimately wins the day. For full effect, one of the Cullens should switch sides at the last moment, with a post-credits sequence showing them joining the team.